"What the heck am I doing, here, God? And what were You thinking? I CAN'T DO THIS?!" Have you ever felt that? I feel this way every week, though lately it seems like it's been stronger and stronger. I find myself shorter on temper and inspiration and much longer on frustration and anxiety. Where have the songs gone? Where is the euphoric feelings of purpose and power, when searching out faces each week to see if the people are really finding those special moments in worship as we all seek God together.

You see, I realize that I cannot do this. I feel like a sham, a con artist, a fraud. I witness greatness all around me and wonder, aloud, why God has forsaken me. I mean, seriously...I don't have to be THE greatest. I'd settle for just a little bit of greatness from time to time. Like give me a little Paul - like greatness, or Kevin - like greatness. Maybe a little bit of Matt or Rodney - kind of greatness. I could go for some Rene - greatness or even some Mark - greatness. I work with greatness every day. I see greatness in our production team each week. I shake hands with great men and women each sunday between services. I hear greatness in my music buddies and on the radio and on CD's. And then I look down at my own hands and I see nn-yet! Nada! Bubkus! The only thing great I'm experiencing in my creative life at the moment is a great creative drought! I want to be great - I want people to be lead well in worship. But fear wraps it's hands around my throat and squeezes.

But in the midst of this great famine, somewhere within this rumble of chaos, I find the eye of the storm. And this is when God speaks to me. And I am assured that this is exactly where He wants me to not just be...but where He wants me to stay. "Stay? Stay?!" I yell at the sky - "You want me to STAY in this horrible place?" Stay in this place of drought, of doubt, of death? The unyeilding quiet, sadly, is my confirmation. And so it is here that I stay. And work. And persevere in the absence of greatness which seems so far away.

But it comes to me, during second service, actually, as I labor to pull people closer to God in music. That this is all so beyond my abilitites. And THAT is the message God was trying so hard to help me understand: that His greatness cannot shine through if others are too busy looking at me. He never really wants me to be great at anything...anything but being great in my love and service to Him. God is somewhat vain and selfish. He is the best and He wants everybody to know it. He even admits that He is a jealous God who wants no other gods before Him. If we are not careful, we can become demi - gods, when we excel at what we do. How much do I really need God once I come to the place where I know how special and gifted I am? How much does my greatness actually serve Him? Can it even serve God, when I am to busy polishing all of my rewards and accolades? God understands the ego of artists, and humans for that matter. So He simply speaks to my heart and reminds it that... everything is fine. Just keep pressing on. Because as long as He doesn't go anywhere, the only greatness I have to worry about is the greatness that I am serving.

The frustration of an artist who cannot create is surpassed only by the fear that what they thought they were suppose to do is now in question simply because... there IS no production. There is no fruit. There is nothing to be admired nor nothing to be applauded. But what if what we sought after where the two large hands of our heavenly Father, quietly applauding and whispering from the back..."Well done, my good and faithful servant." Now that would truly redefine our image of greatness, wouldn't it. In the end, it is only how great God desires me to be that I should concern myself with. But there are days when writing a really good song would help! Peace to you...

SAG